Have I written and posted more about the NBA Draft Lottery than the NBA Playoffs?
YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I HAVE.
Love the draft. Love the lotto. And it’s easy to see why. Unlike the playoffs, the lottery is short, sweet, and non-stop fun. (The playoffs are stop and go fun).
The best reality TV producer couldn’t pitch the conceit of the lottery. Take 14 entities that people care deeply about, with rich histories and backstories. Make each of them put one representative on stage and then slowly reveal a fate that could alter their futures.
The lottery will probably be changed and reformed at some point, but dear God do I hope we still get representatives on stage for each team. The choice of who to put on stage is crucial and how they act once on the dais is monumental.
This year’s crop of reps is solid, but the dream scenario for each team is so juicy. Here’s my picks for all 14 teams in New York tonight:
They Chose: Michael Kidd-Gilchrist
Dream Pick: Cam Newton
The Hornets choices are barren at best. Not only a less than historic franchise, but a city that doesn’t exactly ooze with excitement. So I picked the most interesting Charlotte resident, even if he has little relation to the Hornets (He goes to some games and wore cleats in the hoops teams design). Give Cam a teal starter jacket and put him on the stage.
They Chose: Josh Kroenke, President
Dream Pick: Rocky, mascot
An odd choice until I tell you in this dream scenario, Rocky is lowered into his seat after passing out in his suit, just like he was in 2013. I haven’t attended an NBA game without thinking about this incident since it occurred. Because he was perfectly happy and healthy after, I feel no shame in mentioning how hard it makes me laugh.
They Chose: Jeff Bower, General Manager
Dream Pick: Stan Van Gundy
“Stan, how do you acquire the first pick?”
“No, that can’t be right. Just sit there quietly.”
They Chose: Larry Bird
Dream Pick: Larry Bird
Nailed it, Indy. Can’t beat Larry Legend. Really curious what his reaction to winning the top pick would look like.
Los Angeles Lakers / Miami Heat
They Chose: Byron Scott (coach), Alonzo Mourning (“title that sounds like he does something”)
Dream Pick: Kobe Bryant, Pat Riley
Clumping these two in together because I want these two for the same reasons. The face of Kobe or Riles on stage with a bunch of guys they undoubtedly look down upon would be priceless.
They Chose: Glen Taylor, owner
Dream Pick: Ricky Rubio
This was a tough one. Not much to choose here until Kevin Garnett transitions to the Alonzo Mourning role. As an actual player on the team, he wouldn’t be as fun.
So it came down to the young and goofy Rubio and Wolves superfan, comedian Joe Mande. Since none of you know who Mande is, nor even clicked his name to see who he is, I’ll stick with Ricky.
New York Knicks
They Chose: Their figurehead GM
Dream Pick: Phil Jackson or James Dolan
The Knicks are a dumpster fire, so their rep had better either be the guy who lit the match or the guy currently spraying WD-40 into the flames.
I did enjoy SB Nation’s Rodger Sherman’s suggestion of Karl-Anthony Towns’ father, a huge Knicks fan.
Oklahoma City Thunder
They Chose: Russell Westbrook
Dream Pick: Russell Westbrook
They got it. For all the reasons I want Kobe on stage, we all want Russ on stage.
They Chose: Alex Martins, CEO
Dream Pick: Tiger Woods
Although the Magic are beginning to amass a nice little pocket of young talent, they haven’t found the character or personality that will define them yet. Fun to watch at times, but never outright fun.
So let’s go with season ticket holder and huge Magic fan, Tiger Woods. Toss a red shirt on him, maybe get a fist pump. Why not? It’s not like last year when we had two owners’ daughters on stage for Tiger to make a run at.
They Chose: Nerlens Noel
Dream Pick: Allen Iverson
Nerlens isn’t a bad pick by any means. He’d probably be my third choice, after Iverson and the lady who yells “MISS IT! MISS IT! MISS IT!” during opponents’ free throws at the Wells Fargo Center.
But again the answer here is The Answer. Plus, he’s not busy. Throw in a TGI Friday’s gift card for his efforts and he’ll be there.
They Chose: Alex Len
Dream Pick: Aaron Nelson, head trainer
Alex Len is such a weird, milquetoast choice. Did he just happen to already be on the East Coast tonight?
As for a better choice? It’s tough. I wanted to pick The Gorilla, but we already have a lifeless Rocky on stage, so that might be overkill. Let’s instead go with the head of the Suns legendary training staff. Remind the draft prospects what they can look forward to in Phoenix.
They Chose: Vlade Divak
Dream Pick: Vlade Divak and Vivek Ranadive
Hard not to say Vlade is the pick. Can he smoke on stage? How about a vodka? No one will know.
But, taking things up a notch, let’s have his boss sit on his lap like a ventriloquist dummy. Get me a reality show of these two, or at the very least a YouTube/Vine video of them in a three-legged race.
They Chose: Dennis Lindsey, GM
Dream Pick: Robyn Hayward (Gordon’s wife)
Mrs. Hayward does not disappoint. In Gordon’s time in Utah, he’s become a forbidden fruit sex symbol for Utah’s young women, but Robyn has it locked down. How does she deal with young Mormon teens catcalling her husband on a regular basis? Not sure, but I’d bet it’s worth finding out. Here’s to hoping she goes full wrestling heel and brings the fiesty attitude we need on this stage.
Just don’t seat her next to Tiger Woods.
Shane McNichol is the founder, editor, and writer at PalestraBack.com. He has also contributed to SALTMoney.org and ESPN.com. Follow him on Twitter @OnTheShaneTrain.
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