Whispers about a Space Jam sequel have always persisted, but now they’ve grown to a full-volume conversation. LeBron James has been lauded for his performance in Trainwreck and is signed for further films with Warner Bros. Will they make another Space Jam? Will it be any good? These questions aren’t important to me.
For years, I’ve had an idea for a Space Jam sequel that would be far better than LeBron “copy + paste”-ing the first film into 2015. It’s original, yet a total departure. It would dominate the box office. The idea has never left, and as you may notice, Jon Bois of SBNation tossed a little inspiration fuel onto the fire.
What follows is a rough script/outline for my version of a new Space Jam. Think of yourself as the studio executive. This is my pitch.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present:
Space Jam 2: A Galaxy Far, Favre Away
Int: Moron Mountain. Looks the same as it does in Space Jam, except in high definition. MR. SWACKHAMMER (seriously that’s his name) (voiced by Danny DeVito) sits in a dark office. On all of his giant screens, Michael Jordan’s stretchy armed dunk from the previous film plays on a loop. A new group of tiny, squeaky voiced henchmen aliens surround him.
Basketball. Hurumph. Should have never let those useless fools agree to that.
Yeah! You betcha, boss!
We let them outsmart us. We should have crushed them. Pounded their brains in. There has to be an Earth sport that lets you do that!
One of the LITTLE HENCHMEN sits on a TV remote and old NFL highlights play on the wall of screens. They are the type of highlights that used to get fans excited, but now just make us feel uneasy.
Yes! Football! We’re going back to Looney Tune Land, to score a touchdown!
They travel to Looney Toon Land and much like the first movie, seek to take the cartoon characters as prisoners. Bugs and the gang want to defend themselves, yada yada, like most sequels, you can pretty much copy parts of the previous film.
You get the idea.
Ext: Mississippi. Large colonial home, with a sprawling porch. Beautiful day. Sun slowly setting. BRETT FAVRE, a handsome middle-aged Southerner with the arms of a blacksmith (played ideally, by Brett Farve, former NFL quarterback and co-star of There’s Something About Mary) sits in a rocking chair. He holds a glass of lemonade in one hand and pets his chocolate lab, SAM, with his other.
Boy, I’ll tell ya, Sam. This is the life. Can’t beat this. Do I think I could still go out and sling the pigskin around, have some fun, and win a few? Of course. I’ve still got it. Never lost it. Body might not be what it once was, but a gunslinger never forgets his pistols. Am I right?
SAM THE DOG
Well, don’t you worry, boy. The phone a’int ringing. Nobody wants me anymore. Not even our ol’ pal Andy Reid. He’d rather have Alex Smith. Pssssh. Alex Smith. I could throw him through a tire with my eyes closed.
(voiceover, from the TV inside Brett’s house)
Huge news in the NFL yesterday…
BRETT, curious, stumbles inside to watch the television.
…several of the top players in the league seemed to be struck with some sort of ailment within hours of each other. In Carolina, both Cam Newtown and Calvin Johnson looked out of sorts. Meanwhile, during the big Super Bowl rematch, Richard Sherman, Marshawn Lynch, and Rob Gronkowski all struggled to even line-up on the field! The same could be said of JJ Watt and Terrell Suggs during their game in Houston. Suggs attempted to play with his helmet backwards!
Insert comical montage of players making horrible football goofs. Think this:
God, I love that GIF. Anyway…
BRETT’s phone rings. It is a landline telephone. Like with a cord and everything. SAM THE DOG paws at the phone, places the receiver into his mouth, and carries it to BRETT.
KEVIN JAMES (played by Kevin James)
Hey, buddy. It’s me. Kevin James, your good friend and star of films like Paul Blart: Mall Cop.
Hey, KJ. What’s up?
You see the highlights from yesterday? What’s going on out there?
No idea, man. This is wild.
Something’s definitely up. Did you see that Cam Newton play?
Cut to the TV screen, where CAM NEWTON attempts to throw a ball with his right arm, but the ball stays in his left hand, leaving him confused and then, sacked.
Just saw it now. Wow, never seen that before.
Yeah, he looks really shaken. You think Carolina will give you a call?
I doubt it. My phone hasn’t rung in years. I a’int a football player anymore. I’m retired, big fella.
If you say so. You think with a backup QB, they’ll need some extra protection? Maybe a solid pair of hands? I played tight end in high school. Never dropped one pass!
Kev. Give it up.
Just saying! I think I could do it!
SAM THE DOG begins to bark. BRETT looks out the window, noticing his tractor has flipped onto its side.
Let me call you back, Kev. We’ll play some golf soon.
Sure, thing buddy. (KEVIN falls down on his butt, which is funny, because he is overweight)
BRETT heads outside to investigate, slowly. From behind his barn he hears a “Moo!”.
I don’t own any cows…?
UNKNOWN VOICE (but I mean, c’mon we all know it’s Daffy Duck)
BRETT meanders slowly towards the barn. On the side of the barn, there are several football-sized and football-shaped holes. Next to each, there is a chalk inscription that reads: “BRETT, (date), (speed)”, though for most, the “speed” simply says “Probly like 100 MPH”.
He slowly creeps around the barn and sees nothing but the well where he fetches water to make homemade lemonade. The rope is broken. BRETT curiously and cautiously steps towards the well. As he peeks his head into the opening, a cartoon arm grabs him and whisks him down into the well.
SAM THE DOG barks.
BRETT cartoonishly flys down through the well into Looney Toon Land. As he lands, the Looney Tunes emerge from various locations, all excited.
He won Super Bowl XXXI against New…New…New…Ne…The Patriots!
Well I say, that’s the all-time passing yards leader!
SYLVESTER THE CAT
Thufferin Thuccotash! Remember when Deadspin posted those pictures of his-(interrupted as the Tazmanian Devil whizzes by).
What in the heck is this?
This is Looney Tune Land, doc. We got this big football game coming up and we could use a QB like you!
Quarterback? No, guys. I don’t play quarterback any more. I’m retired.
DAFFY DUCK (and a chorus of others)
Yeah, ok! Sure thing, pal. Like we haven’t heard that one before!
No, really! I’m not going to play anymore!
But you’ve kept in great shape. I mean, what are you? 8 or 9% body fat?
Well, I say, I haven’t seen arms like that in some years. They look to be the fixings of a man with a blue collar profession!
Well, my agent Bus Cook did say I have the arms of a blacksmith.
Someone actually said that?
Look, cowboy. Here’s the deal. We need someone who can chuck a football and win a game. Is that you?
DAFFY DUCK (whispering)
If we’re being honest, we tried Aaron Rodgers but he wanted too much money. Peyton Manning’s schedule was too busy. We tried Eli, but that didn’t work out…
In the distance we hear “BETCHA CAN’T CATCH ME!” before seeing Eli Manning run across the landscape, chased by Elmer Fudd.
DAFFY DUCK (still whispering)
If you aren’t in, the next call is to Tebow and I’m not so sure that’s a fit. Not exactly a pro-church crowd down here, see.
What do you say? Can you pa-pa-pla-pla…lace up the cleats?
I’m in. But I need my football gear.
Cleats, pads, lucky underwear? Anything you need!
Cut to: Close up of BRETT FAVRE’S BUTT in jeans. Essentially it’s the cover to Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA”. Slowly zoom out as Brett walks away. He turns to the camera and a cracks a wry smile.
Real. Comfortable. Jeans.
Cut to: Training Montage. At first, it looks exactly like a Brett Favre Wrangler Jeans ad. Just a couple guys, tossing around a ball in a dirt field. Some Southern rock playing. Hell yeah.
Then some looney hijinks ensue and it’s fun for a while.
Cut to: Gameday! Wide shot of cartoon characters tailgating and acting like drunken animals. Inside the stadium, everyone gets ready. The Monstars are out on the field. The JJ Watt one is a gigantic. The Looney Tunes peer out from their locker room, sacred. Eli Manning runs by, chasing a cartoon butterfly.
Oh, boy. We’re gonna get pounded.
BUGS BUNNY (to BRETT)
Hey, boss. Wanna motivate the troops a bit?
Sure. Everyone listen up! You want a big pep-talk? The perfect movie moment to get you to beat the hell out of these guys?
Ok, here goes. (BRETT rips a loud fart.) Ok, let’s go play football.
BRETT runs out on to the field. The Looney Tunes slowly clap and follow him, though are clearly confused.
DAFFY DUCK (still in the locker room, on the verge of crying)
I think I love him.
(Editor’s note: This is a thing that happened in real life. According to the profile Sports Illustrated published on Favre when he won Sportsman of the Year in 2007, Favre was known for using legendary flatulence to loosen up tense teammates. They quoted one Packers coach as saying, “”Brett always knows how to loosen them up. I don’t want to go into too many details, but let’s just say that the guy has some unique talents.”)
The little mouse announcer welcomes the Monstars to a chorus of boos. Then he excitedly introduces the Tune Squad. The starting lineup is as follows:
QB: Brett Favre
RB: Tazmanian Devil
FB: Elmer Fudd
WR: Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Lola Bunny, Sylvester
TE: Porky Pig
OL: Foghorn Leghorn, other nameless but large Looney Tunes
The team captains (Brett and Bugs, Mr. Swackhammer) meet at the 50 yard line for the coin toss.
Ready for some football, old man?
My beard may be gray, but I can still toss a pigskin, fella.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN (referee)
Heads or tails?
BRETT FAVRE catches the coin before it hits the ground.
They can have the ball. We don’t need it
MR. SWACKHAMMER laughs and returns to the sideline, placing a headset on. THE GRONK MONSTAR walks behind him and asks, “What if we wanted to defer?”
The game begins and plays out how you’d expect. The Marshawn Lynch Monstar can’t be tackled by the puny Looney Tunes. Gronk, Cam Newton, Calvin Johnson, and even JJ Watt score at will. Favre does what he can, but we head to halftime with the Monstars leading 49-14. The Tune Squad limps into the locker room, riddled with injuries. Bugs Bunny sneakily scoops up some of the field into a can.
Come on, ya’ll! Don’t give up!
Hey, Brett? Why didn’t you tell us you had some magic Lambeau dirt in your locker?
BUGS whips out the can of grass and dirt, and has crudely written “MAGIC LAMBEAU DIRT” on the side.
The magic Lambeau field dirt that cures injuries and makes you stronger? Why didn’t you tell us you brought some?
What’s this now?
Come on, guys. Everyone knows the old phrase “Rub some dirt on it” started because the Lambeau dirt is magical. Why, just this morning Brett told me about how Antonio Freeman smeared some on a hairline fracture before that big overtime Monday Night Football game! (winks at BRETT)
Uh, yeah. I didn’t think ya’ll needed it. (winks back)
The Tunes pass around the dirt and comically rub it all over themselves. BRETT shakes his head and laughs. Charged up, they head back onto the field.
The second half begins with the Tune Squad executing a perfect “Music City Miracle” play, with Favre tossing the kick return across the field to a streaking Bugs Bunny for a touchdown.
With the placebo effect of the magic dirt, the Tunes coming out blasting on defense. After a montage of big hits, trick plays, and goofs, they tie the score at 56-56. The Monstars get the ball and begin to drive down the field. With less than a minute remaining, they find themselves on the 5-yard line and the Tunes are reeling.
Come on, ya’ll. We can stop them here.
That big running back is gonna jam it down our throats and we’re headed for slavery on Moron Mountain.
We’ll just have to make them throw it then. I’ve got an idea. Is everyone willing to give it their all to win?
Ok, then everyone pack the line of scrimmage.
Uh, doc? Who’s gonna cover their big receivers?
Me….and Tweety. Just trust me.
As the Monstars lineup, they see the Tunes stacking the line of scrimmage, with Tweety Bird covering Calvin Johnson. Mr. Swackhammer wildly signals for an audible. The ball is snapped and Newton drops back to pass. Brett Favre grabs Tweety Bird and hurls him/her at Newton, nailing him right in the mouth as he throws. The ball wobbles wildly before being intercepted in the endzone by Brett Favre. The Tunes will take the ball at the 20 yard line, needing 80 yards for the win on the last play.
Before they can lineup, Tweety is severely injured and needs to be carted off. Favre hunches over the tiny bird to make sure he/she is alright.
Great defense, bird. Loved the surprise blitz.
Anything for the team. (cough, cough)
Will you be ok?
I’ll rub some dirt on it.
Uh, hate to ruin the moment, but we need another healthy player or we’re screwed.
(from a distance) KEVIN JAMES
Did someone say….player?
Yes! That’s our man!
The Mall Cop? The King of Queens? This Tub-bub is our savior?
You say you’ve never dropped a pass? Just watch this everybody. (He whispers the rest of the play to the huddle)
Zoom out. Wide shot of the field. The Monstars are angry. The Tunes line up. Favre winks at Kevin James. He snaps the ball and rolls out. In slow motion, he dodges rushers on multiple occasions. Kevin James streaks down the sideline, tightly guarded by the Richard Sherman and Calvin Johnson Monstars. The rest of the Tunes block as best they can.
He’s not open Brett!
Favre smiles. He winks again. As he switches sides of the field, he sneaks one of Yosemite Sam’s six-shooters out of the holster. He cartoonishly stuffs and squeezes the ball into the gun. He looks downfield to Kevin James, still tightly guarded, but with a tiny, tiny window open. Favre cocks the gun and fires, shooting the ball on a laser right into that window. James gets his hands on it, catches the ball and tumbles backwards for a touchdown (which is funny, because he’s overweight). The stadium erupts.
Brett Favre looks into the camera.
A gunslinger never forgets his pistols.
Brett Farve blows off the smoking gun and winks again.
END CREDITS ROLL.
BOX OFFICE RECORDS SET.
Shane McNichol is the founder, editor, and writer at PalestraBack.com. He has also contributed to SALTMoney.org and ESPN.com. Follow him on Twitter @OnTheShaneTrain.
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