SPACE JAM WEEK: Pitching the Sequel, Space Jam 2: A Galaxy Far, Favre Away

Whispers about a Space Jam sequel have always persisted, but now they’ve grown to a full-volume conversation. LeBron James has been lauded for his performance in Trainwreck and is signed for further films with Warner Bros. Will they make another Space Jam? Will it be any good? These questions aren’t important to me.

For years, I’ve had an idea for a Space Jam sequel that would be far better than LeBron “copy + paste”-ing the first film into 2015. It’s original, yet a total departure. It would dominate the box office. The idea has never left, and as you may notice, Jon Bois of SBNation tossed a little inspiration fuel onto the fire.

What follows is a rough script/outline for my version of a new Space Jam. Think of yourself as the studio executive. This is my pitch.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present:

Space Jam 2: A Galaxy Far, Favre Away

Int: Moron Mountain. Looks the same as it does in Space Jam, except in high definition. MR. SWACKHAMMER (seriously that’s his name) (voiced by Danny DeVito) sits in a dark office. On all of his giant screens, Michael Jordan’s stretchy armed dunk from the previous film plays on a loop. A new group of tiny, squeaky voiced henchmen aliens surround him.

MR. SWACKHAMMER

Basketball. Hurumph. Should have never let those useless fools agree to that.

LITTLE HENCHMEN

Yeah! You betcha, boss!

MR. SWACKHAMMER

We let them outsmart us. We should have crushed them. Pounded their brains in. There has to be an Earth sport that lets you do that!

One of the LITTLE HENCHMEN sits on a TV remote and old NFL highlights play on the wall of screens. They are the type of highlights that used to get fans excited, but now just make us feel uneasy.

MR. SWACKHAMMER

Yes! Football! We’re going back to Looney Tune Land, to score a touchdown!

They travel to Looney Toon Land and much like the first movie, seek to take the cartoon characters as prisoners. Bugs and the gang want to defend themselves, yada yada, like most sequels, you can pretty much copy parts of the previous film.

monstars prison

You get the idea.  

Ext: Mississippi. Large colonial home, with a sprawling porch. Beautiful day. Sun slowly setting. BRETT FAVRE, a handsome middle-aged Southerner with the arms of a blacksmith (played ideally, by Brett Farve, former NFL quarterback and co-star of  There’s Something About Mary) sits in a rocking chair. He holds a glass of lemonade in one hand and pets his chocolate lab, SAM, with his other.

BRETT FAVRE

Boy, I’ll tell ya, Sam. This is the life. Can’t beat this. Do I think I could still go out and sling the pigskin around, have some fun, and win a few? Of course. I’ve still got it. Never lost it. Body might not be what it once was, but a gunslinger never forgets his pistols. Am I right?

SAM THE DOG

(soft growl)

BRETT FAVRE

Well, don’t you worry, boy. The phone a’int ringing. Nobody wants me anymore. Not even our ol’ pal Andy Reid. He’d rather have Alex Smith. Pssssh. Alex Smith. I could throw him through a tire with my eyes closed.

TREY WINGO

(voiceover, from the TV inside Brett’s house)

Huge news in the NFL yesterday…

BRETT, curious, stumbles inside to watch the television.

TREY WINGO

…several of the top players in the league seemed to be struck with some sort of ailment within hours of each other. In Carolina, both Cam Newtown and Calvin Johnson looked out of sorts. Meanwhile, during the big Super Bowl rematch, Richard Sherman, Marshawn Lynch, and Rob Gronkowski all struggled to even line-up on the field! The same could be said of JJ Watt and Terrell Suggs during their game in Houston. Suggs attempted to play with his helmet backwards!

Insert comical montage of players making horrible football goofs. Think this:

bradley

 

God, I love that GIF. Anyway…

BRETT’s phone rings. It is a landline telephone. Like with a cord and everything. SAM THE DOG paws at the phone, places the receiver into his mouth, and carries it to BRETT.

BRETT FAVRE

Hello?

KEVIN JAMES (played by Kevin James)

Hey, buddy. It’s me. Kevin James, your good friend and star of films like Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

BRETT FAVRE

Hey, KJ. What’s up?

KEVIN JAMES

You see the highlights from yesterday? What’s going on out there?

BRETT FAVRE

No idea, man. This is wild.

KEVIN JAMES

Something’s definitely up. Did you see that Cam Newton play?

Cut to the TV screen, where CAM NEWTON attempts to throw a ball with his right arm, but the ball stays in his left hand, leaving him confused and then, sacked.

BRETT FAVRE

Just saw it now. Wow, never seen that before.

KEVIN JAMES
Yeah, he looks really shaken. You think Carolina will give you a call?

BRETT FAVRE

I doubt it. My phone hasn’t rung in years. I a’int a football player anymore. I’m retired, big fella.

KEVIN JAMES

If you say so. You think with a backup QB, they’ll need some extra protection? Maybe a solid pair of hands? I played tight end in high school. Never dropped one pass!

BRETT FAVRE

Kev. Give it up.

KEVIN JAMES

Just saying! I think I could do it!

SAM THE DOG begins to bark. BRETT looks out the window, noticing his tractor has flipped onto its side.

BRETT FAVRE

Let me call you back, Kev. We’ll play some golf soon.

KEVIN JAMES
Sure, thing buddy. (KEVIN falls down on his butt, which is funny, because he is overweight)

BRETT heads outside to investigate, slowly. From behind his barn he hears a “Moo!”.

BRETT FAVRE

I don’t own any cows…?

UNKNOWN VOICE (but I mean, c’mon we all know it’s Daffy Duck)

Uh…Neigh!

BRETT meanders slowly towards the barn. On the side of the barn, there are several football-sized and football-shaped holes. Next to each, there is a chalk inscription that reads: “BRETT, (date), (speed)”, though for most, the “speed” simply says “Probly like 100 MPH”.

He slowly creeps around the barn and sees nothing but the well where he fetches water to make homemade lemonade. The rope is broken. BRETT curiously and cautiously steps towards the well. As he peeks his head into the opening, a cartoon arm grabs him and whisks him down into the well.

SAM THE DOG barks.

BRETT cartoonishly flys down through the well into Looney Toon Land. As he lands, the Looney Tunes emerge from various locations, all excited.

PORKY PIG

He won Super Bowl XXXI against New…New…New…Ne…The Patriots!

YOSEMITE SAM

Well I say, that’s the all-time passing yards leader!

SYLVESTER THE CAT

Thufferin Thuccotash! Remember when Deadspin posted those pictures of his-(interrupted as the Tazmanian Devil whizzes by).

BRETT FAVRE
What in the heck is this?

BUGS BUNNY

This is Looney Tune Land, doc. We got this big football game coming up and we could use a QB like you!

BRETT FAVRE

Quarterback? No, guys. I don’t play quarterback any more. I’m retired.

DAFFY DUCK (and a chorus of others)

Yeah, ok! Sure thing, pal. Like we haven’t heard that one before!

BRETT FAVRE

No, really! I’m not going to play anymore!

BUGS BUNNY

But you’ve kept in great shape. I mean, what are you? 8 or 9% body fat?

BRETT FAVRE

7.5% actually.

FOGHORN LEGHORN

Well, I say, I haven’t seen arms like that in some years. They look to be the fixings of a man with a blue collar profession!

BRETT FAVRE

Well, my agent Bus Cook did say I have the arms of a blacksmith.

LOLA BUNNY

Someone actually said that?

BUGS BUNNY

Look, cowboy. Here’s the deal. We need someone who can chuck a football and win a game. Is that you?

DAFFY DUCK (whispering)

If we’re being honest, we tried Aaron Rodgers but he wanted too much money. Peyton Manning’s schedule was too busy. We tried Eli, but that didn’t work out…

In the distance we hear “BETCHA CAN’T CATCH ME!” before seeing Eli Manning run across the landscape, chased by Elmer Fudd.

DAFFY DUCK (still whispering)

If you aren’t in, the next call is to Tebow and I’m not so sure that’s a fit. Not exactly a pro-church crowd down here, see.

PORKY PIG
What do you say? Can you pa-pa-pla-pla…lace up the cleats?

BRETT FAVRE

I’m in. But I need my football gear.

BUGS BUNNY

Cleats, pads, lucky underwear? Anything you need!

BRETT FAVRE

No…

Cut to: Close up of BRETT FAVRE’S BUTT in jeans. Essentially it’s the cover to Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA”. Slowly zoom out as Brett walks away. He turns to the camera and a cracks a wry smile.

BRETT FAVRE

Real. Comfortable. Jeans.

Cut to: Training Montage. At first, it looks exactly like a Brett Favre Wrangler Jeans ad. Just a couple guys, tossing around a ball in a dirt field. Some Southern rock playing. Hell yeah.

favre wrang

 

Then some looney hijinks ensue and it’s fun for a while.

Cut to: Gameday! Wide shot of cartoon characters tailgating and acting like drunken animals. Inside the stadium, everyone gets ready. The Monstars are out on the field. The JJ Watt one is a gigantic. The Looney Tunes peer out from their locker room, sacred. Eli Manning runs by, chasing a cartoon butterfly.

TWEETY BIRD

Oh, boy. We’re gonna get pounded.

BUGS BUNNY (to BRETT)

Hey, boss. Wanna motivate the troops a bit?

BRETT FAVRE

Sure. Everyone listen up! You want a big pep-talk? The perfect movie moment to get you to beat the hell out of these guys?

ALL

Yeah!

BRETT FAVRE

Ok, here goes. (BRETT rips a loud fart.) Ok, let’s go play football.

BRETT runs out on to the field. The Looney Tunes slowly clap and follow him, though are clearly confused.

DAFFY DUCK (still in the locker room, on the verge of crying)

I think I love him.

(Editor’s note: This is a thing that happened in real life. According to the profile Sports Illustrated published on Favre when he won Sportsman of the Year in 2007, Favre was known for using legendary flatulence to loosen up tense teammates. They quoted one Packers coach as saying, “”Brett always knows how to loosen them up. I don’t want to go into too many details, but let’s just say that the guy has some unique talents.”)

The little mouse announcer welcomes the Monstars to a chorus of boos. Then he excitedly introduces the Tune Squad. The starting lineup is as follows:

QB: Brett Favre

RB: Tazmanian Devil

FB: Elmer Fudd

WR: Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Lola Bunny, Sylvester

TE: Porky Pig

OL: Foghorn Leghorn, other nameless but large Looney Tunes

The team captains (Brett and Bugs, Mr. Swackhammer) meet at the 50 yard line for the coin toss.

MR. SWACKHAMMER

Ready for some football, old man?

BRETT FAVRE

My beard may be gray, but I can still toss a pigskin, fella.

MARVIN THE MARTIAN (referee)

Heads or tails?

MR. SWACKHAMMER

Heads.

BRETT FAVRE catches the coin before it hits the ground.

BRETT FAVRE

They can have the ball. We don’t need it

MR. SWACKHAMMER laughs and returns to the sideline, placing a headset on. THE GRONK MONSTAR walks behind him and asks, “What if we wanted to defer?”

The game begins and plays out how you’d expect. The Marshawn Lynch Monstar can’t be tackled by the puny Looney Tunes. Gronk, Cam Newton, Calvin Johnson, and even JJ Watt score at will. Favre does what he can, but we head to halftime with the Monstars leading 49-14. The Tune Squad limps into the locker room, riddled with injuries. Bugs Bunny sneakily scoops up some of the field into a can.

BRETT FAVRE

Come on, ya’ll! Don’t give up!

BUGS BUNNY

Hey, Brett? Why didn’t you tell us you had some magic Lambeau dirt in your locker?

BRETT FAVRE
What?

BUGS whips out the can of grass and dirt, and has crudely written “MAGIC LAMBEAU DIRT” on the side.

BUGS BUNNY

The magic Lambeau field dirt that cures injuries and makes you stronger? Why didn’t you tell us you brought some?

DAFFY DUCK

What’s this now?

BUGS BUNNY

Come on, guys. Everyone knows the old phrase “Rub some dirt on it” started because the Lambeau dirt is magical. Why, just this morning Brett told me about how Antonio Freeman smeared some on a hairline fracture before that big overtime Monday Night Football game! (winks at BRETT)

BRETT FAVRE

Uh, yeah. I didn’t think ya’ll needed it.  (winks back)

The Tunes pass around the dirt and comically rub it all over themselves. BRETT shakes his head and laughs. Charged up, they head back onto the field.

The second half begins with the Tune Squad executing a perfect “Music City Miracle” play, with Favre tossing the kick return across the field to a streaking Bugs Bunny for a touchdown.

** FILE ** Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre looks to pass the ball after falling down during the second quarter of their NFL football game in Green Bay, Wis., in this Sept. 10, 2006 file photo. Brett Favre has decided to retire from the NFL after 17 seasons. FOX Sports first reported Tuesday March 4, 2008 that the Green Bay Packers quarterback informed the team in the last few days. (AP Photo/ Morry Gash, file)
(AP Photo/ Morry Gash)

With the placebo effect of the magic dirt, the Tunes coming out blasting on defense. After a montage of big hits, trick plays, and goofs, they tie the score at 56-56. The Monstars get the ball and begin to drive down the field. With less than a minute remaining, they find themselves on the 5-yard line and the Tunes are reeling. 

BRETT FAVRE

Come on, ya’ll. We can stop them here.

DAFFY DUCK

That big running back is gonna jam it down our throats and we’re headed for slavery on Moron Mountain.

BRETT FAVRE

We’ll just have to make them throw it then. I’ve got an idea.  Is everyone willing to give it their all to win?

ALL

Yes!

BRETT FAVRE

Ok, then everyone pack the line of scrimmage.

BUGS BUNNY

Uh, doc? Who’s gonna cover their big receivers?

BRETT FAVRE
Me….and Tweety.  Just trust me.

As the Monstars lineup, they see the Tunes stacking the line of scrimmage, with Tweety Bird covering Calvin Johnson. Mr. Swackhammer wildly signals for an audible. The ball is snapped and Newton drops back to pass. Brett Favre grabs Tweety Bird and hurls him/her at Newton, nailing him right in the mouth as he throws. The ball wobbles wildly before being intercepted in the endzone by Brett Favre. The Tunes will take the ball at the 20 yard line, needing 80 yards for the win on the last play.

Before they can lineup, Tweety is severely injured and needs to be carted off. Favre hunches over the tiny bird to make sure he/she is alright.

BRETT FAVRE

Great defense, bird. Loved the surprise blitz.

TWEETY BIRD
Anything for the team. (cough, cough)

BRETT FAVRE
Will you be ok?

TWEETY BIRD

I’ll rub some dirt on it.

BUGS BUNNY

Uh, hate to ruin the moment, but we need another healthy player or we’re screwed.

(from a distance) KEVIN JAMES
Did someone say….player?

BRETT FAVRE

Yes! That’s our man!

DAFFY DUCK

The Mall Cop? The King of Queens? This Tub-bub is our savior?

BRETT FAVRE

You say you’ve never dropped a pass? Just watch this everybody. (He whispers the rest of the play to the huddle)

Zoom out. Wide shot of the field. The Monstars are angry. The Tunes line up. Favre winks at Kevin James. He snaps the ball and rolls out. In slow motion, he dodges rushers on multiple occasions. Kevin James streaks down the sideline, tightly guarded by the Richard Sherman and Calvin Johnson Monstars. The rest of the Tunes block as best they can.

BUGS BUNNY

He’s not open Brett!

Favre smiles. He winks again. As he switches sides of the field, he sneaks one of Yosemite Sam’s six-shooters out of the holster. He cartoonishly stuffs and squeezes the ball into the gun. He looks downfield to Kevin James, still tightly guarded, but with a tiny, tiny window open. Favre cocks the gun and fires, shooting the ball on a laser right into that window. James gets his hands on it, catches the ball and tumbles backwards for a touchdown (which is funny, because he’s overweight). The stadium erupts.

Brett Favre looks into the camera.

BRETT FAVRE

A gunslinger never forgets his pistols.

Brett Farve blows off the smoking gun and winks again.

END CREDITS ROLL. 

BOX OFFICE RECORDS SET.

 OSCARS SWEPT. 

Shane McNichol is the founder, editor, and writer at PalestraBack.com. He has also contributed to SALTMoney.org and ESPN.com. Follow him on Twitter @OnTheShaneTrain.

If you have any suggestions, tips, ideas, or questions, email them to palestraback@gmail.com.

Header photo via Getty Images. 

2 thoughts on “SPACE JAM WEEK: Pitching the Sequel, Space Jam 2: A Galaxy Far, Favre Away

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